Vanished in Happy Jack

Dear Diary & Listeners,
You know the saying "If you don't use it, you lose it"...
First off, I want to go on the record and call BULLSHIT. 
Why? I'm glad you asked! 
When I first met Dick, he was entranced with my brain. He loved the way I thought, spoke, and saw the world. He would tell me, even as recent as June of 2023- that I was the smartest woman he had ever met. 
I ate that shit up. 
As our relationship progressed, it seemed that the very thing he loved so much about me, threatened him. He no longer asked my advice about complex matters. My opinions were shot down and even criticized.
Which leads me to another question: How do you starve a dog to death? 
I know...You're like AMANDA...what?!
I listened to a talk Dr. Jordan Peterson gave with Sean & Saxony Whalen the other day. He asked this question and here's why it's relevant. 
Starving a dog to death is simple. All you have to do is swat it on its nose with a newspaper every time it goes to eat. After about 50 times, the dog will stop eating and eventually perish. 
The same is true for humans. 
Dick figuratively swatted me on my nose every time I used my brain in a way that he couldn't. Dissect that how you may; jealousy, dominance, or just plain hatred- it fucked me up. 
I found myself in this space where I would ignore my creative thoughts, my opinions, my views, and my expertise. I rarely spoke up and on the rare occasion he would ask me for my advice- I actually found hard to articulate my thoughts. 
If you don't use it, you lose it. 
That saying scared the SHIT out of me. I thought I would never regain my ability to create complex thought process. It made me sad. It made me scared. It made me a slave to him and his approval. 
As I sit here typing to you today, I can proudly affirm that if you don't use it, you won't lose it. My brain is operating at what seems like 150% these days. So much so, that I can see why all of this was entirely necessary. 
Cruel. Abusive. Villanous.
But 100% necessary for me to become the woman I knew I was destined to be. I had lost my faith. Given up on God simply because years of my prayers weren't answered. 
The happiest realization I've had since regaining my functional nerd-brain is that God actually DID answer my prayers. I couldn't see it then, but I see it now. He will never bring you to something; he won't bring you through. 
In Episode 7: Rocky-Road Trip you will join my best friend of 20 years, Marissa and I as we navigate leaving Phoenix, AZ to start our cross country road trip. Join us as we talk about this quest to find a less "depressive" home base, what happens along the way, and revisit some topics from past episodes. You will finally get to hear the perspective of someone close to me. And when I say she holds NOTHING back...I mean it. 
 
Forever Speaking My Truth, 
Amanda L. Arnier, MLS
 
WE ARE ACTIVELY LOOKING FOR SEASON TWO'S STORY! 
If you or anyone you know has experienced anything similar and is willing to share, please click the link below to schedule a time to chat with me. 
Season Two Story Pitch Call
Email: TheDichotomyDiaries@yahoo.com
Music: Ashley England
Sound Production: Amanda L. Arnier
Guest: Marissa Murray
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Dear Diary & Listeners,
I am stressed this week. 
I have so many things going at once. 
The holidays crept up and I feel like I am burning the candle at both ends. 
I've found myself in a strange lull because of the holidays. Everywhere I look someone is experiencing joy and new beginnings. 
I held space for myself for a moment, but didn't let it get the best of me. Between family, friends, and Italian Batman- there is so much potential, positivity, and love in my life right now. 
Thats why this week it's extra appropriate to introduce you to my Mom for the very first time. 
In Episode 8, you will get a first-hand, unfiltered (as always) view as to what Life with Dick looked like from a Mother's perspective. 
Join us as this delusional cross-country road trip takes us to Lake Geneva, WI & Huntsville, AL and takes Dick on a Farewell to FinDom Tour all along the East Coast. 
Prepare yourself for some SHOCKING confessions. 
Oh - and in this Episode, Dick leaves his precious computer unlocked while he goes on a day trip to see a "client" in Reno. 
Finally, you're never going to FUCKING guess who calls me... 
 
** One last thing. If you find yourself feeling down because of the holidays. Seriously- shoot me a message. I'll be the first to remind you that your presence in this World is not only important; it may be the very reason someone else exists...**
 
Forever Speaking My Truth, 
Amanda L. Arnier, MLS
 
 
WE ARE ACTIVELY LOOKING FOR SEASON TWO'S STORY! 
If you or anyone you know has experienced anything similar and is willing to share, please click the link below to schedule a time to chat with me. 
Season Two Story Pitch Call
Email: TheDichotomyDiaries@yahoo.com
Music: Ashley England
Sound Production: Amanda L. Arnier
Guest: Tina Scianna
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Dear Diary & Listeners,
S U R P R I S E!
You've waited patiently. So without further adeiu...
I'd like to introduce you to Kyle. 
 
Kyle is a past client, friend, and confidante of Dick. He is going to take us to school today on ALL THINGS FINDOM & Taboo.
He will answer some of your most asked questions...and give you a look inside what it meant to know Dick, as an openly gay male client. 
AND. It's GOOOOOOD. Juicy. Spicy. 
The Tea Kettle is Whistling BayBEE. 
 
One thought I'd like to leave you with this week...
 
We all have a past. We all have baggage that we carry around with us. It gets heavy. I know. 
Don't put your bags down. Your bags are what MAKE you...
Sit on your floor and invite human beings over to help you unpack them. Speak to people. Leave your house. Write a love letter. Sing loud as fuck in the car. 
It's time to live again.
 
Forever Speaking My Truth, 
Amanda L. Arnier, MLS
 
WE ARE ACTIVELY LOOKING FOR SEASON TWO'S STORY! 
If you or anyone you know has experienced anything similar and is willing to share, please click the link below to schedule a time to chat with me. 
Season Two Story Pitch Call
Email: TheDichotomyDiaries@yahoo.com
Music: Ashley England
Sound Production: Amanda L. Arnier
Guest: "Kyle"
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YouTube: Video Recordings of Episodes!
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Dear Diary & Listeners,
There is so much I want to say.  
Today I reflect on the fact that this is the TENTH episode of The Dichotomy Diaries...
TEN?!
I was so scared to release the TRAILER you guys...
I remember recording it over and over again. On my IPHONE of all devices. 
Something inside of me knew that this was exactly what I needed to heal, find purpose, and remember the feeling of self-love.
 
With Christmas right around the corner, I feel more emotional than usual. 
 
I am so PROUD of myself. 
I am so HUMBLED with the support I receive from you all. 
I am SHOCKED at the amount of listener submissions I receive. 
I am NOSTALGIC for the warmth of family tradition around the holiday season.
I am DISGUSTED at the attempts of Victim Shaming that happens in our society. 
I am MOTIVATED to continue to lead by example for those who have been taken advantage of an abused.
 
I AM ALL THE THINGS. 
And that's probably why I cried during this episode. 
 
In Episode 10 - The House Always Wins, we uncover the truth behind the mysterious Arizona Woman who shared countless hours on the phone with Dick, and all the things associated. We finally move into our BELOVED apartment in the "best part" of town...And Christmas is spent with Dick's family. That holiday was filled with a lot of love. I remember feeling such warmth. However, there was this unshakable feeling that something was wrong...or maybe it was that there was something- that everyone around me knew, but I didn't. 
 
This is my piece of advice for you. Especially after recording this episode...
Childhood Trauma, whatever that may be, is NO joke. 
If you do not seek to heal or understand your childhood trauma, you WILL carry it into every relationship you have in the future- until you do. 
Give your parents grace. They are doing this for the first time too. 
And tell your family that you love them as often as you can. 
 
While Christmas may seem like a happy time of year to most; to some, there is a dreaded anticipation around the approach of this holiday. To some, Christmas serves as a stark reminder that the people we love most, are no longer with us. 
 
If you find yourself sad around the Christmas because of the absence of loved ones; I challenge you do at least one thing a day that is in celebration of those gone too soon.
Light a candle at church. Play their favorite song in the car. Cook their favorite meal. 
 
The more we keep their memory alive, the more we embrace the feeling of happiness and feel freer to celebrate instead of mourn during Christmastime. 
 
Buon Natale,
Amanda Arnier, MLS
 
WE ARE ACTIVELY LOOKING FOR SEASON TWO'S STORY! 
If you or anyone you know has experienced anything similar and is willing to share, please click the link below to schedule a time to chat with me. 
Season Two Story Pitch Call
Email: TheDichotomyDiaries@yahoo.com
Music: Ashley England
Sound Production: Amanda L. Arnier
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Dear Diary & Listeners,
We all strive to be the best at something. 
 
For me, it was being a wife, a partner, a team member. 
For others it might be more career oriented or status driven. 
 
Not for me. 
 
I've known as long as I can remember that I wanted to be a wife, a mother, and right hand to a fearless teammate who strives for greatness in life. 
 
I've thought about this a lot this past week because as I try to be the best version of myself; I find that I fall short in a lot of areas I once thought I had conquered...
 
The thing is, I hadn't conquered anything. I was acting like I had. In pure hope that one day I would meet the expectations I and my husband had set out for me. But as it does often in this story- the goalpost kept moving. 
 
And I kept falling short. 
 
It was easier to adopt a  "fake it 'till I make it" mentality than it was to sit with my shortcomings and dissect them. 
 
While we are striving to be the best at whatever that "one thing" might be; there is someone out there looking for the perfect partner for them. Setting exceedingly high standards in the name of self respect or "not settling"...
 
This could really be the basis on which a lot of relationships fail. 
 
Instead of trying to find or be the perfect partner, I believe that we should love an imperfect partner- perfectly. 
 
That should be the goal. To grow and stretch your beliefs in everything you ever wanted out of life; for the sake of happiness and love. 
 
If you can look at someone who is imperfect and see through the scars and skeletons, and STILL find a way to love them. I think you've beat the game. You win. 
 
In this episode you'll hear pivotal conversations that pave the disastrous road ahead. We will celebrate New Years Eve with friends and finally uncover the reason behind me painting our life so "picture perfect" constantly online. 
Be sure to share, like, and review. Your feedback and support mean everything.
 
Forever Speaking My Truth,
Amanda Arnier, MLS
 
WE ARE ACTIVELY LOOKING FOR SEASON TWO'S STORY! 
If you or anyone you know has experienced anything similar and is willing to share, please click the link below to schedule a time to chat with me. 
Season Two Story Pitch Call
Email: TheDichotomyDiaries@yahoo.com
Music: Ashley England
Sound Production: Amanda L. Arnier
Guest: Marissa Murray
Patreon: The Dichotomy Diaries
Merch: The Dichotomy Diaries Podcast Storefront
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Podcast Website: www.TheDichotomyDiaries.com
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Dear Diary & Listeners,
As I sit here today writing this, it is January 1st, 2024. 
A New Year always brings reflection. 
I can't help but think about where I was on this exact day last year. 
 
I remember waking up in an empty bed. 
 
I always enjoyed waking up and having the first view of my day be my husbands face. This day was different. The night prior I had felt like we were a team. He was leading with WE. He had outwardly demonstrated what I had been asking for, for so long. 
 
And yet here I was, waking up on the first day of the New Year, wondering where he was...
 
At this point, I'm sure you won't be shocked to hear that he was naked on camera, doing a video call with one of his regular clients...
 
It hit me different this morning. So much so that I remember it a year later. 
 
The reality that no matter what had happened yesterday, my current days would most likely always consist of THIS...was horrifying. 
 
I thought I was seeing change in him, but in reality- it was me wishing change on him. 
 
Dick will forever be a Caterpillar person. 
And I speak Butterfly Language. 
 
In Episode 12 you will witness Dick's aggression increase incrementally. You'll also join me on the ever-so-frequent rollercoaster of a "Run Up" where Dick will eventually hit a BIG jackpot. We will head to Arizona for my favorite week of the year and return once again as my birthday approaches. Excitement turns to anxiety when I uncover yet another demonstration of his promiscuous personality...
 
Forever Speaking My Truth,
Amanda Arnier, MLS
 
WE ARE ACTIVELY LOOKING FOR SEASON TWO'S STORY! 
If you or anyone you know has experienced anything similar and is willing to share, please click the link below to schedule a time to chat with me. 
Season Two Story Pitch Call
Email: TheDichotomyDiaries@yahoo.com
Music: Ashley England
Sound Production: Amanda L. Arnier
Patreon: The Dichotomy Diaries
YouTube: Video Recordings of Episodes!
Merch: The Dichotomy Diaries Podcast Storefront
Podcast Website: www.TheDichotomyDiaries.com
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Dear Diary & Listeners,
I want to start off by saying Thank You. The Dichotomy Diaries has jumped insane numbers this past week and I have you all to thank for that. 
 
Episode 13 starts off with an overview...and maybe a little sneak peek.
 
The point that we are at in this story is went mentally things all go down hill for me. 
 
Naturally, this is taxing, but when I tell you it is C O M P L E T E L Y necessary- I mean it. 
 
I am constantly questioned on why I would choose to sit with the bad decisions and pain inflicted on me. It is a very simple answer I will repeat over and over again. TO PROCESS IT. 
 
Unprocessed trauma is and will always be the underlying reason for all the things that go wrong. Choosing to experience pain over immediate pleasure of ignorance takes a self-aware individual. 
 
Are you self-aware?
 
EP13 - Make a Wish is the story of my 32nd birthday in Arizona for Super Bowl Weekend & the Valentine's Day to follow. 
 
Here's a secret I never admitted to anyone ever...
 
Each birthday that I spent with Dick, my birthday wish as I blew out the candles was always the same. "Please Heavenly Father (what Mormons refer to God as), make things easier for my husband so that we can have a good life. 
 
I never wished for things to be easier for me. 
And that should tell you everything you need to know.
 
Enjoy and be sure to listen to the entire Outro for some additional sneak peeks that will reinvigorate the marathon listener in you...
 
Forever Speaking My Truth,
Amanda Arnier, MLS
 
WE ARE ACTIVELY LOOKING FOR SEASON TWO'S STORY! 
If you or anyone you know has experienced anything similar and is willing to share, please click the link below to schedule a time to chat with me. 
Season Two Story Pitch Call
Email: TheDichotomyDiaries@yahoo.com
Music: Ashley England
Sound Production: Amanda L. Arnier
Patreon: The Dichotomy Diaries
Merch: The Dichotomy Diaries Podcast Storefront
YouTube: Video Recordings of Episodes!
Podcast Website: www.TheDichotomyDiaries.com
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Dear Diary (& Listeners),
This episode is a total standout for me. I hardly ever get to geek out about Italian Literature and why it means so much to me. This week, I had this awesome "aha" moment while chatting about my absolute favorite piece of literature.
 
But hold on tight, 'cause things take a wild turn. We're talking a whopping $14k in medical bills, I manage to rip a door clean off its hinges (yeah, that happened), and guess what? Homelessness decided to make a guest appearance in my life for the first time... Life's got its own plans, right? Wrong. This wasn't fate or left to chance- this was strategic. Calculated.
 
So, grab your popcorn...this one gets GOOD.
 
Forever Speaking My Truth,
Amanda Arnier, MLS
 
WE ARE ACTIVELY LOOKING FOR SEASON TWO'S STORY! 
If you or anyone you know has experienced anything similar and is willing to share, please click the link below to schedule a time to chat with me. 
Season Two Story Pitch Call
Email: TheDichotomyDiaries@yahoo.com
Music: Ashley England
Sound Production: Amanda L. Arnier
Patreon: The Dichotomy Diaries
Merch: The Dichotomy Diaries Podcast Storefront
YouTube: Video Recordings of Episodes!
Podcast Website: www.TheDichotomyDiaries.com
Insta: @TheDichotomyDiariesPodcast
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Facebook: The Dichotomy Diaries